Not Feeling It Today

Yup!  I admit it.  Today is a day where I did nothing but binge watch the first season of Once Upon a Time.  I also have to admit that I have done it once another time this last week.  It’s been forEVER since I’ve sat and watched anything that has not been either health or business related.  I have to admit it felt good.

I checked back to see how many days I have missed for this 30 day challenge, thinking it was three.  I now know that it’s been five.  Yikes!  Five.  I fully intend upon catching up either by doubling up posts in a day or by extending the challenge for myself.  However I will do it, it will be done.  But I am feeling quite guilty.  Honestly, thinking of topics has been a little difficult, and I am balking at doing the blog posts where I have to research.  It might be burnout from the 9 months and years of studying or it could be insecurity.

The reason I say insecurity is because while for years, I have been passionate about holistic health and nutrition, I find that lately I have felt like I want to back away from it a little bit.  One reason is that I see so many others who know sooooo much more than I do, and I ask myself “What in God’s creation makes me think that I have anything to offer?!”  I am sitting here struggling to remember the basic facts from my certification and others are just running rings around me.  I did something like this back when I was about to graduate from university.

I was an Anthropology major and had previously attended a two year college working my way through as a full time student and full time worker.  It took four years to get my associates degree because I had to work at the same time.  The deal with Dad was that I pay for the first two years and he’d pay for the last two.  So I did my part of the deal and finally got to university.   At the end of the sixth year when I was nearing getting my Bachelors, my advisor told me that I had more credits that I had to fill before I could graduate.  I thought I had finished, and here I was being told that I had more to do.  Thankfully one intensive Japanese class filled the requirements, so I was able to graduate.  But then I got another blow.  The advisor told me that because I did not do senior thesis or any other special programs throughout the summers or the years that I would have to go back to school six months to a year as a non-degree candidate in order to be able to enter Grad school.  I was devastated.  Here I was thinking that working (and yes, I was still working during my last two years so I could pay some bills) through school was of some value.  But it wasn’t according to my advisor.  I don’t know if it was because of this or a culmination of things including homesickness, but I felt like I couldn’t hold a candle to the other Anthro majors.  I felt like I was a fraud and that I wasn’t worthy.  So I graduated and left school.

Here I am facing this again.  Is it burnout, insecurity, or is it a combination of things?  All I know is, I have to figure this out so that if I do go on to open up a business, I do it for the right reasons, with the right heart and with the confidence to do big things.  Maybe this blog will help me find out.

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