Yup! I admit it. Today is a day where I did nothing but binge watch the first season of Once Upon a Time. I also have to admit that I have done it once another time this last week. It’s been forEVER since I’ve sat and watched anything that has not been either health or business related. I have to admit it felt good.
I checked back to see how many days I have missed for this 30 day challenge, thinking it was three. I now know that it’s been five. Yikes! Five. I fully intend upon catching up either by doubling up posts in a day or by extending the challenge for myself. However I will do it, it will be done. But I am feeling quite guilty. Honestly, thinking of topics has been a little difficult, and I am balking at doing the blog posts where I have to research. It might be burnout from the 9 months and years of studying or it could be insecurity.
The reason I say insecurity is because while for years, I have been passionate about holistic health and nutrition, I find that lately I have felt like I want to back away from it a little bit. One reason is that I see so many others who know sooooo much more than I do, and I ask myself “What in God’s creation makes me think that I have anything to offer?!” I am sitting here struggling to remember the basic facts from my certification and others are just running rings around me. I did something like this back when I was about to graduate from university.
I was an Anthropology major and had previously attended a two year college working my way through as a full time student and full time worker. It took four years to get my associates degree because I had to work at the same time. The deal with Dad was that I pay for the first two years and he’d pay for the last two. So I did my part of the deal and finally got to university. At the end of the sixth year when I was nearing getting my Bachelors, my advisor told me that I had more credits that I had to fill before I could graduate. I thought I had finished, and here I was being told that I had more to do. Thankfully one intensive Japanese class filled the requirements, so I was able to graduate. But then I got another blow. The advisor told me that because I did not do senior thesis or any other special programs throughout the summers or the years that I would have to go back to school six months to a year as a non-degree candidate in order to be able to enter Grad school. I was devastated. Here I was thinking that working (and yes, I was still working during my last two years so I could pay some bills) through school was of some value. But it wasn’t according to my advisor. I don’t know if it was because of this or a culmination of things including homesickness, but I felt like I couldn’t hold a candle to the other Anthro majors. I felt like I was a fraud and that I wasn’t worthy. So I graduated and left school.
Here I am facing this again. Is it burnout, insecurity, or is it a combination of things? All I know is, I have to figure this out so that if I do go on to open up a business, I do it for the right reasons, with the right heart and with the confidence to do big things. Maybe this blog will help me find out.